(I think this is as relevant today as it was when I wrote it so many years ago)
so many of you have know me for several years, and may have heard rumor or remark about the following…but I feel that in the interest of science, clarity, and yes, the FUTURE, it is worth formalizing
We are talking about babies here.
Babies are icky squishy things…soft and malleable…on many levels…particularly fresh out of the oven (womb…not a huge difference, as far as I can tell).
So underdone are they, so poppin’ fresh, that their heads are actually like big balls of silly putty and you have to be careful not to touch the skull too heavily or you can cause it to develop in a misshapen manner.
Or…perhaps there’s something interesting there (remember, the people telling you this are the same folks who haven’t cured a good disease in a long time…can you say ‘vested interest’? I knew that you could)
The skull eventually hardens, much like a stale muffin.
But…but what if you started, from day one, to knead the skull? Just tiny squeezes and squishes…like clay. I think that, given time and patience, the skull would simply refuse to ever harden.
No, this is an interesting theory in and of itself…but, most of you are probably thinking “great…then we could have custom skulls and the hat industry would have a whole new branch devoted to non-standard-cranial-configurations”…and both of these are, in fact, true…(I am particularly hopeful of the hat revolution breathing life into the obviously decaying economic infrastructure of New Zealand)…but they are also lacking in subtlety and vision.
The brain, as you know, is comprised of two hemispheres, a couple lobes, all that good stuff…and each of these (the current theory) has a tendency towards particular tasks…one side of the brain being more tuned towards logic and such, the other being more artistic, the language functions have their place (now, lets not forget, the nature of the brain is actually holographic, but I am talking about general tendencies to function).
But what if…what if you could affect the physical configuration of the brain? or, if not directly, then indirectly by rearranging the shape of its casing (a.k.a. the skull)? might you be able to cause some functions to be favored, while others decay and decline.
You might be able to shape an scientist! or an artist! and then they would almost certainly be able to shape greater and better artists and so on!
My vision…to manipulate the skull in such a way as to increase intellect and loyalty, while decreasing the outdated, and unneeded aspects of freewill that an absolute leader detests. Oh, no, not to the general populace…that would be insanity…but children like this…completely unswervingly loyal to their commander…could become the leaders and heroes of a new army! A new paradigm of existence and control and we could sweep across the nation absorbing the weak and foolish in a wave of crimson…my darling sweet Unholy Army Of The Night!!!!
How, oh how could this possibly be accomplished???
Oh, that’s the beauty! It requires but a few things:
Determination…which I have in spades…sperm (oh, yes, I have plenty of sperm…PLENTY of sperm!)…and a series of devoted concubines.
Alas, number 3 is where my plans fall apart.
To that end, I am now accepting applications.
You will have to submit to psychological screening as well as genetic testing.
The contract lasts for approximately 5 years, during which you will remain almost constantly pregnant (my goal is a team of about 15…in 5 years, minus the few needed for experimentation and study (no doubt many will be lost as we explore this new biotechnology) I hope to produce 60-90 progeny…my elite corps, if you will).
Documents turning custody of all progeny over to this program and me will be required.
Should artificial womb technology become available and practical for these purposes, your contract will be ended once a reasonable number of eggs have been extracted.
Payment consists of a small duchy after the revolution, or, baring availability, a large cruise ship.
Please send all inquiries to this email address.
Serious inquiries only.
Offer not valid in North Adams, MA (3rd most inbred area in the US)