Me: OK, I think I’ll download DB2 and see whats what.

Me: Here I am at the Download page.  *click* *server error* *repeat a few times*

Me: Poot.  Oh, look, a live customer service rep I can chat with?  How nice.

Customer Service: Waazzup?

Me: Wanna download your toys and play with them.  I clicked here and got a nasty messege.

Customer Service: Oh, ok, looks like that server is down.  Here’s another link which I am able to tell you is also broken at this time.  Try in an hour.

Me: This is thoroughly unimpressive since, at this point, you are still trying to get me to use your product.

Customer Service: Bye!

(I think this is as relevant today as it was when I wrote it so many years ago)

so many of you have know me for several years, and may have heard rumor or remark about the following…but I feel that in the interest of science, clarity, and yes, the FUTURE, it is worth formalizing
Babies.
We are talking about babies here.
Babies are icky squishy things…soft and malleable…on many levels…particularly fresh out of the oven (womb…not a huge difference, as far as I can tell).
So underdone are they, so poppin’ fresh, that their heads are actually like big balls of silly putty and you have to be careful not to touch the skull too heavily or you can cause it to develop in a misshapen manner.
Or…perhaps there’s something interesting there (remember, the people telling you this are the same folks who haven’t cured a good disease in a long time…can you say ‘vested interest’? I knew that you could)
The skull eventually hardens, much like a stale muffin.
But…but what if you started, from day one, to knead the skull? Just tiny squeezes and squishes…like clay. I think that, given time and patience, the skull would simply refuse to ever harden.
No, this is an interesting theory in and of itself…but, most of you are probably thinking “great…then we could have custom skulls and the hat industry would have a whole new branch devoted to non-standard-cranial-configurations”…and both of these are, in fact, true…(I am particularly hopeful of the hat revolution breathing life into the obviously decaying economic infrastructure of New Zealand)…but they are also lacking in subtlety and vision.
The brain, as you know, is comprised of two hemispheres, a couple lobes, all that good stuff…and each of these (the current theory) has a tendency towards particular tasks…one side of the brain being more tuned towards logic and such, the other being more artistic, the language functions have their place (now, lets not forget, the nature of the brain is actually holographic, but I am talking about general tendencies to function).
But what if…what if you could affect the physical configuration of the brain? or, if not directly, then indirectly by rearranging the shape of its casing (a.k.a. the skull)? might you be able to cause some functions to be favored, while others decay and decline.
You might be able to shape an scientist! or an artist! and then they would almost certainly be able to shape greater and better artists and so on!
My vision…to manipulate the skull in such a way as to increase intellect and loyalty, while decreasing the outdated, and unneeded aspects of freewill that an absolute leader detests. Oh, no, not to the general populace…that would be insanity…but children like this…completely unswervingly loyal to their commander…could become the leaders and heroes of a new army! A new paradigm of existence and control and we could sweep across the nation absorbing the weak and foolish in a wave of crimson…my darling sweet Unholy Army Of The Night!!!!
*ahem*
How, oh how could this possibly be accomplished???
Oh, that’s the beauty! It requires but a few things:
Determination…which I have in spades…sperm (oh, yes, I have plenty of sperm…PLENTY of sperm!)…and a series of devoted concubines.
Alas, number 3 is where my plans fall apart.
To that end, I am now accepting applications.
You will have to submit to psychological screening as well as genetic testing.
The contract lasts for approximately 5 years, during which you will remain almost constantly pregnant (my goal is a team of about 15…in 5 years, minus the few needed for experimentation and study (no doubt many will be lost as we explore this new biotechnology) I hope to produce 60-90 progeny…my elite corps, if you will).
Documents turning custody of all progeny over to this program and me will be required.
Should artificial womb technology become available and practical for these purposes, your contract will be ended once a reasonable number of eggs have been extracted.
Payment consists of a small duchy after the revolution, or, baring availability, a large cruise ship.
Please send all inquiries to this email address.
Serious inquiries only.
Offer not valid in North Adams, MA (3rd most inbred area in the US)

So, apparently, my blog is the first one to come up when you do a google search for cheerleaders ballbusting
LOVE IT!

T: See, thats why I don’t eat pig.  Someone ate pig and now we have swine flu.

Me: No.  You don’t get it from eating pig.  You cook the pig.  That kills any swine flu.

T: Oh, right.  I guess thats why they cook pig.

Me: No, they cook pig because of trichanosis.  You know…the dying and all.

T: Oh, right.

In short, Will seems to be saying that conservatives are all old white guys in suits with lots of money who are only relevant because of that last bit about the money.  There’s no shortage of humor here:
George F. Will – America’s Bad Jeans – washingtonpost.com

Seventy-five percent of American “gamers” — people who play video games — are older than 18 and nevertheless are allowed to vote (yup, make sure you alienate that demographic…wouldn’t want to actually expand the party)
…
That heresy leads to denying the universal appropriateness of everything, and then to the elitist assertion that there is good and bad taste.  (I assume he’s blind to the irony)
…
This is not complicated. For men, sartorial good taste can be reduced to one rule: If Fred Astaire would not have worn it, don’t wear it. For women, substitute Grace Kelly. (there it is again)

I suppose this is pleasing. If the right wing follows guys like Hannity, and the rest of them follow Will…well, no, I don’t get it, Hannity I can see inspiring followers. Anger and nutso can be like that. This is just, well, pathetic.
Will, like so many social conservatives, fears change, and has this bizarre image of the world of the 1950s. That world exists on in the TV, George. Take some meds, you have lost it all.

Other natural things that are poisonous: black widow venom, arsenic, Julia Roberts

Dear Glenn, you are a moron.
Glenn Beck: Clueless About Photosynthesis | Politicususa.com

In the midst of urging his listeners to cut down old trees for Earth Day, Glenn Beck argued that carbon dioxide is not poison. Beck asked, “How can carbon dioxide be poison when it is naturally occurring and trees need it to grow?”

Because before the attack, the policy had been “sure, let’em play with the bears” except at lunch time.  At lunch time it was “only let people play with the bears if they are willing to climb through our fences and jump down the sheer wall and into the water”.
Ya gotta have standards at lunch time

Polar Bear Attack Won’t Change Berlin Zoo Policies: Discovery News

Seriously, though.  I love Colbert, but I thought this bit was kind of amusing and indicative of a general attitude.

He started out making a joke about a seder for dogs.  And if there are jewish dogs, then soon there will be christian dogs, and then, 700 years later, there will be muslim dogs.  Of course, thats just 100 years to us.

What I find amusing here is that its the 700 years that gets noted.  However, Judaism started, what, 3500 or 4000 years before Christianity.  I think that most people imagine that the two started around the same time, or within a couple centuries.  But it ain’t so, Joe.

Obviously, nothing was meant by this on Colbert’s end, but, y’know, I think its worth noting.

So, to all you zombie worshippers out there, you are still just new kids.

I have no doubt that my friends will see this and think “Hey, didn’t he used to constantly order the ‘Pizza That Makes Me Sick’ pizza?”
Neuroscientists in Brooklyn successfully erase memories with drugs

They have also successfully made the rats forgot about their distaste for a substance that had previously made them sick.

Beck just said that the reason no marines have shown up to deal with the current pirate crisis is political correctness.

And now he’s mocking the French (which I enjoy as well, but hey…)

And now bringing it all back to hating Islam.

Also, his guest supporting his stance on pirates just said that he sees all chinese restaurants as sleeper-cells.